Never Trust a Pussyfoot
by The13TalesOfHamjou
Summary: What does Bon Jovi, Milk, and giant mutant chickens have to do with our Hero? A writer on every drug known to man. A returning oneshot since my hiatus. o3o


_**A/N; Yo! I'm sorry for the hiatus. I couldn't really type with a broken arm. But! I'm back in action! :D Be afraid. Be very afraid.**_

Link had been inside his grandmothers' house for 5 minutes when he heard his sister.

"Lliinnkkk"

"What?"

"_LLiiiinnnnnkkkkkkk!"_

"_What?"_

"_**LLLLLIIIIIIINNNNKKKKK!"**_

"_**WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"**_ He yelled from inside. There was absolutely, positively no way Aryll could be in any sort of trouble. She was playing on the dock. She can swim. She's fine.

"**Giant. Mutant. CHICKENS." **She screamed, flinging the door open. **"THEY'RE EVERYWHERE."**

"_**WHAT?!"**_

_SMACK_

Link stared in fear as Aryll hit the floor headfirst and began rolling around, flailing her arms everywhere.

"_Let it be, let it be~_

_Let it be, let it be~_

_Speaking words of wisdom, Let it be~." _She sang, looking and sounding like a deranged octopus.

"A-are you okay-"

"Link! You must save Time!"

"Navi?"

"Go Link!"

"But you're in the wrong era!"

She sighed. "But the other Link is busy in a smutty fiction. You're all I've got for now."

"A what?"

"_**GO**_!" She screeched.

"NEVER!" He uncharacteristically yelled, bolting past Navi and stumbling over his still-on-the-floor-sister who was singing '_Let it be'_.

As he ran onto the sandy beach, he noticed that nobody was outside.

_CRACK_

Falling on his butt, Link rubbed his forehead.

"Owwww…!"

"Heehee! That hurt!"

Looking up, Link almost fell back again.

"Medli? Bbbbut how are you…? Why?"

"Because the writer put me here, silly."

**-At The Writer's Desk-**

The writer grinned down at Medli. "That's right! I **AM** the writer of this story! _**I**_ can make you do whatever I want! MWHAHAHAHAHAHA" She cackled, thunder and lightning flashing behind her.

"_**Shut up, I can hear you from down stairs!" **_An irritated voice screamed.

"Meep" She coughed, leaning over her keyboard.

-**Back Down To The Story-**

"Erm….." Link and Medli stared at the sky.

"LINK" Medli screeched, pointing at him.

"GAH! What?"

"I have milk." She grinned, holding a gallon of Grade A, 2%, non-pasteurized milk.

Before Link could even ask, she began to chug it down like she needed it to live.

After a few moments Link gasping in awe at how much milk she could drink in one go, she suddenly dropped it, spilling its contents on the sand. She paused for a moment her mouth opening and closing like a fish, before screaming at the top of her lungs;

"YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIYYYYYYYYY!"

"_**LEVEL UP!"**_

Link dropped to his knees. "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!"

"Hey Pussyfoot! I have an important mission for you!" A certain pirate said, slapping his back.

"T-tetra? Where's the boat? And the crew?" A distraught Link said.

"That's exactly the thing, Pussyfoot. I have discovered my true meaning in life."

"…You're a princess…? And why are you calling me Pussyfoot?"

"Because that's your name, Pussyfoot. And I'm not a princess, no no. I'm…..

_**AN ANCIENT CHINESE SOCCER!" **_She declared, crossing her arms.

"YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY!"

"Very funny, Tetra. We need to find the boat." A disheveled Link sighed.

**-Back At The Writer's Laptop-**

"NOOOO! TETRA! YOU'RE RUINING MY STORY! IT'S ANCIENT CHINESE _PHILOSOPHER, __**NOT**__ ACIENT CHINESE SOCCER! _The writer wailed, hitting her head in her desk.

-**Back With The Trio-**

"Philyo? Noo! I'm sorry I've left you, my love. I'm coming for you!" Tetra sobbed, and began to chase a pig until she ran into Medli and fell into the sand.

"HEUYEGH HIYYYAAAH!"

Slowly, Link turned around and saw a weird version of himself rolling around in the sand.

"…"

Suddenly, Medli stood up holding cartons of milk.

"_**YOU CAN'T DEFEAT ME AND MY MILK ARMY!"**_ She screamed, and began chucking milk at everyone. The mute Link began to charge after her.

"HYEHAA HIAYAHA!"

"DIE, SACRILEDGE!" She screamed, flinging an endless supply of milk at him, hitting his face in slow motion.

He swung his sword at her, nearly missing, as he dodged flying cartons. It was an epic battle to behold.

Then, she flung an expertly aimed carton hitting him square on the heart. He dropped instantly.

"Philyo! Noooooo!" Tetra screamed, running up to him. "You were my one true love."

"YOU'VE KILLED THE HERO OF TIME WITH…WITH _MILK?!"_ Navi screeched before getting hit by a silencing carton.

Medli took a deep breath.

"_Shot through the heart_

_And you're to blame_

_You give love a bad name_

_I play my part_

_And you play your game_

_You give love a bad name (bad name)_

_(Whoa) You give love_

_A bad name."_

Suddenly, mute Link gasped and began rolling away from the group and went into the swordsmith's house.

Link raised his hands to the air. "What the h-"

"Nah ahah, this rated 'E' for everyone."

"_**What's going on here?**_" Link yelled to the sky.

**-Up At The Mythical Writer's Desk-**

"It's because Tetra messed up on the philosopher bit." She grumbled.

"_What did you say?"_ An angry voice from downstairs rang.

"**Nothing**, mum." She yelled back.

**-Yup, Back To The Folks-**

"This is all your fault, Tetra!" Link screeched.

"You can't deny true love!" She fired back.

"_Paint your smile on your lips_

_Blood red nails on your fingertips_

_A school boy's dream, you act so shy_

_Your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbye_

_Oh, oh, you're a loaded gun_

_Oh, oh, there's nowhere to run_

_No one can save me_

_The damage is done"_

"I agree with Medli on this one." Link sighed.

_**SQUUAACK!**_

"What the hell is that?" He pointed at the beach.

"That wasn't very 'everybody'."

"_**THE GIANT MUTANT CHICKENS!"**_ Aryll screamed.

"Giant!?" Medli gasped.

"Mutant?" Link gaped.

"_Chickens_?" Tetra yelped.

"HYEUUAH?"

"_**SQUAAACCKK!"**_ The group of chicken confirmed.

"_**They're getting angry!"**_ Medli and Tetra screamed. They all began to run.

Seeming to be enraged, they began to chase after them, one pining Link down.

"_**I'M TO YOUNG TO DIE!"**_

"**SQUAACK."**

Link gasped.

'_Wait…what?'_

He was in his bed. In the Academy. In Skyloft. He looked at the window to see his Loftwing squacking at him.

"_You're kidding…wait. I'm late! I need to meet up with Zelda!"_

**-In Real Life, With The Readers-**

The reader scowled at the computer screen with '_Don't Trust a Pussyfoot'_.

"WHAT KIND OF ENING WAS THAT? I WANT MY MONEY BACK!...I didn't pay anything though…FINE THEN, I'LL SUE!" The reader cackles evilly. I'LL GET YOU, HAMJOU (or however you pronounce your name)!"

_**A/N; Heheh, I wanted to write something stupid. Sorry it's pretty short, but I ended up writing two stories because I wanted to make a loveydovey story, too, so I split it apart so there wouldn't be this change in emotions. :3**_

_**You know I love you.**_

_**Tootles!**_

_**-Jessie**_


End file.
